I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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