I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
