Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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