6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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