Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
