FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
And then my night got REAL pukey
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
