I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
