I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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