don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
