there's paper in my vomit.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Randomize
