If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
vagina is talking i cant
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
