Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
