we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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