kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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