Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
