My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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