Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
