It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
