i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
