i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
