Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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