i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
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Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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