I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
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at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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