I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
