i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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