I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
