Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
