im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
