Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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