so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
