man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
