I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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