can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
