Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
