im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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