I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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