Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Randomize
