I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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