could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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