i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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