This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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