He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
