new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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