I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
