saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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