I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
