____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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