i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
