you traded sex for a burrito?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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