Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
