maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
