I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
