SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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