Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
