When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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