I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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