i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
