After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
