All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
