That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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