There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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