While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
