i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Are we still banned from the library?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
