The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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