mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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